2019 was a whopper of a year…very tough to say the least. Lots of losses in so many ways. Many deaths and good-byes, broken relationships, mental/emotional battles…depression, anxiety like I’ve never experienced in my life. Health battles of both old and new, attacks from others, major fear, brokenness…completely at the end of myself, on my knees, no will to fight- brokenness. That is hard for me to admit. I’m often the person smiling and cracking jokes, it’s just easier that way. Smiling on the outside because I don’t want to face what’s on the inside.
That’s when God stepped in more real and ready to save me than ever before. I don’t mean salvation as in from my sins…he has already taken care of that, but I mean salvation from myself. From misery, hopelessness, a black cloud that wouldn’t budge, fear that was paralyzing, chaos, confusion, others treating me outright ugly. Exhaustion. Complete exhaustion because I was trying to do everything and make it all work, on my own strength. It was like being stuck in this horrible dream that I couldn’t wake up from. I felt so helpless
Yep…but God, in all of his glory, infinite wisdom and overwhelming, reckless Love, reached down and grabbed my hand. He pulled me out of the mirk and quick-sand, like that of a drowning victim and he set my feet on a rock. He reminded me not only WHO I am, but WHOSE I am. He showed me that I am worthy of love. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of kindness and good things. He blew the dust off of me, like an old item that has been up on a shelf. He woke me up from a state of numbness and sleeping because it was just more comfortable and easier to be in that state than to have to feel. He gave my heart a new song. He breathed new life into me and filled me with the new light of hope and joy. Joy to give me a new strength. Hope and expectancy that I don’t have to stay stuck in despair. That hearts can heal from loss. He has and continues to use others to do this. He used every source possible because he is God and he has every resource at his fingertips to use and he just does things like that because he loves us so much. He wants us!
He set my feet on a new path. One that shows promise and good up ahead. One that makes me want to get out of bed and see what he has for me that day. One that makes me feel like I have purpose and value and worth again. He showed me how to DREAM once again. Like truly, child-like dreaming about the future!
Is it perfect? Nope. Do I still have days when I struggle? Yep. It takes time. I’m not fully there yet. Are we ever? I still have hard days. I just know that I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; like I’m coming out of the fire. Refiner’s fire. It hurt while being in the fire. It is not a place that I would want to return to, yet looking back with hindsight, it is not a place that I would avoid if I had to do it all over again. Refiner’s fire makes us more like Jesus. It cuts off the dead branches and chisels away at the muck, destroys the infestations and polishes us up so that we can be like new again; whole, prepared and ready for the next step that God has for us.
So again, I ask my self…would I do it all over again? The answer is “yes.” A thousand times, “yes.”
But…um…for now God, for now, please lead me to green pastures where I can sit beside still waters. Let me be refreshed and renewed. Give me peace and rest so that I can be ready for whatever waits up ahead.
Hello 2020. I’m ready to see what God has in store for this year. For all of us, may it be a year of blessing and peace!